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So apparently there are feelings that are getting very hurt and something is rotten in Denmark. First off, I'd put whatever the in-laws want on the back burner. For now, you two are going to have to tune that out to get to the nitty gritty.
You need to decide what's really important to you. A happy marriage and home casuxl Let's pretend for the moment that you can't have both at the same time.
I would have a conversation where you tell him that you didn't know it was going to bother him so bad that you went out of town for 2 months, you thought he meant it when it was okay, etc.
Then tell him that you'll stay home but it be career suicide and he'll have to support you.
I sincerely doubt he'll have you not go on the trip. I don't necessarily advocate this type of advice but I think it's one of those times where if you make yourself vulnerable to him and show him that his opinion is more important to you than your career, he'll how foolish he's wanhs.
As for the house buying: I would stop all talk of buying a house. When he's ready, let him take the lead on that.
That's much the only way you are going to know for sure he is ready to buy house. Apparently there is something about Tomnoldn a house that is wigging him out and it's setting off more fights.
Wajts the way the housing market is right now, there is no reason to be in a hurry to buy a house so just back off the whole topic. When he's good and ready he'll lead the way. Lastly, whatever time and situation is left over from whether you go to AZ or not, that's what your in-laws get.